Things are really hard.

Hi Mom,

Well Tomorrow marks ten months since you took your new journey. It still does not feel real. I am sinking into the ground with depression. I hide it very well but I am so sad. I love being at home but do wish that I had more than just one child. I love that I am now so close to James but I do want others soon. I started doing some Mystery shopping which is fun. This month I am going to start selling Pampered Chef. I know, it is a little crazy but I want to do something out of the house at night so that I don't go crazy.

Kirk has been out for 3 months and I have not spoken to him. J and T told him I wanted nothing to do with him and I NEVER said that. I hear he is ok so that is good.

Steve and I are great. We are still trying for a baby. This is the biggest thing that is bugging me. Steve is wonderful but he is not a woman and well dad is cool but not that cool. We just never talked like that before and again he is not a woman. It is really hard to deal with this alone. I need so much strength. We are going to the clinic in 17 days so I will have to go for more tests and then we will see. I have some adoption information but I don't want to think of that as my only option. I think I might call Helene for a dinner date to talk about it.

So this year we are having Boxing Day at our place and Christmas. It is going to be busy but I can handle it. I am so going to Christmas it up here at the house, just like you liked it.

Please watch over me and give me strength to move forward with life.

I love you!

J

News

Dear Mom,

I know that it has been a while since we spoke. The summer has been very busy. I have some news; I quit my job and am starting a home daycare. I know that you approve as I got the sign. I am very excited but nervous at the same time. We laid you to rest in June and Steve Lawson did the service and it was a beautiful tribute. The whole family came back to our new home. Other news, we got a puppy. Her name is Summer Storm. She is a hand full but adorable. You would have loved her.

Dad is doing ok. We all went camping in the motor home last week. It was not a great week with the weather but it was relaxing. I am so not stressed out anymore. It must have been CMA.

I have some bad news, the family is still not getting along but we are trying. Kirk has returned home but I have not seen him or spoke to him as per his choice. I simply told me that I was not ready to see him. I hope that you understand. Please give him strength to stay on track. Life is so hard since i feel that i not only lost my mom but my family. It sucks. Steve and I trying for a baby which is fun and exciting.

I just wanted to let you know that I think of you always and will miss you until we meet again!

I love you!

J

Happy Mother's day mom!

Today marks the first Mother's day that I must spend without you here with me but you are in my heart and will be forever.Mom, not much time has past since you took your journey at last. You were welcomed there by those who care. Now I am sad but I am glad that in time, my heart will mend as you were always not only my mom but my best friend. I love you!

So it has been a while since I sat down to give you an update. I have a bit of bad news but I am sure you already know but Uncle Jimmy passed away. He went quickly and in no pain. The funeral was nice and fit for him. I said a few words at the funeral. Things are still a little sticky with the family since all the storm at the hospital. It was hard to see them all again as they are not being very nice to dad. I know that you would want us all united but it is difficult when they leave us out of things. No one called about Jim, I got an email from AM. It is not right. Aunt J did not even say one word to me. Yes I did not go up to her but mom I am still upset with her and how she behaved in the end. I hope that you understand. I don't have an update on Kirk as I believe that he is upset with me. The last time we spoke we had a disagreement. I am going to try to get a hold of him this week.

Some fun news, Well dad bought a 27" motor home and has been fixing it up to travel a bit this summer. He is really excited, you would have loved it. Mindy has her own special place.

Steve and I move in four days. Wow it is coming up so fast. I can't believe that we bought a house and it is ours. I am so excited but it is hard to do it without you helping me but Jo is coming down and we are going to make it the way it should be.

On Baby news, well we are into our third month on clomid and we saw the doctor this week. He has doubled the dose to 100mg and has added another medication. He laughed and said you ll get pregnant but you may end up with twins. Mom, could you only imagine, twins, double the fun. This has been a bumpy road but we are sticking together like we always do and working hard.

Things have been so hard at work but there is only a little more time in this year and next will surely be a better year, it has to be.

Well I miss you like always and think of you everyday. I love you and we will meet again

Jenna

I am down

Hi mom,

I am a little down in the dumps today. STeve is in Las Vegas and says that I would love it and to start packing. Things came to a head with friends. I am trying to be strong and ignore it but life does not work that way and i am just not build that way. I am making a pack right now that I am going to be strong and on my own minus all the bullshit. Life is too short for stupid little games. I am cleaning and chilling all alone today as the boy is away. It is so crazy that we move into our house in less than 70 days. We are excited but so wish you were here to celebrate with us. i know that you will be but it is not the same. Things are grreat with STeve and I and we are so happy. I am going to so focus my energy on that and starting our family. This is something that i think will make Dad so happy. He is doing ok. He is thinkin of buying a cottage and i think that it would be good for him. He is back to work full time and is so happy with that. I spoke to Kirk Yesterday. He is still away but sounds good. This year has been going by so fast. it is so hard to believe.

I miss you like and think about you all the time. I love you!

oxox

Jenna

Some news...

Well mom, I hope that you are proud. I am down my first ten pounds. I still have a long way to go for my goal but I can do it. Life has not been easy for me. Things at work pretty much suck. I hate feeling miserable all day. I still like the job but things are spinning out of control on their end. We went to the doctors like we talked about doing and got some test results back that were upsetting but things can only get better from here. We did finally sign for the house and the mortgage. We officially move on May 17th. Dad has gone back to work full time. He is pretty lonely but does keep busy. Steve and I are still totally in love. His folks are officially in Ottawa now which is a scary thought but that as well is a good thing for us all. I finished two more assignments and have one left and the two modules then I get that piece of paper. Does life get any easier?

It is so funny to think of just how much I miss you and our little stupid gossip talks. Well I guess this will have to do. Oh I almost forgot to tell you, Nancy is pregnant. Lucky bugger. She is super happy. Don't worry you will be the first to know when we are.

So Jayme is acting distant again for some stupid reasons. I know that we need to talk but life is too short and I am not ready to deal with her. I have unresolved issues as does she. I just don't know how person can be such a double. I still love her and we will work it out. Lately, I have been very close with Amanda and Karine. It is so great to have old friends and new friends. They are all worth so much.

Well kirk is still away. I have not spoken to him in ages. Dad got something in the mail for him with more bad news so I think that he is dealing with that. I have to be honest about something. I have a lot of build up anger towards him and don't that I am ready for him to come home. I know that probably upsets you but there are too many other things going on in my life that I can't let him ruin them like it did for you. Please understand why I feel this way. WEll I am exhausted so I am heading to bed but please always remember that I love you and think of you always.

Mom, I hope that life on the other side is all that you wished for and hoped. I pray that it is all that we talked about and more. I sleep better thinking that you and Gran are watching me strruggling to survive and dealing with my private news. I have so much of you inside that I am sure that that is the reason why I can do it without you. Peace to you and all my loved ones with you.

Love you bunches
J

Here are some words from the heart!

Dear mom,

January 6th marks the day of your funeral. It was so beautiful with all the many flowers and pictures. I made 8 collages of all your best photos for all to admire. So many came to visit. There were over 300 people. The service was perfect and fit just for you. Below are a few words from my heart to you, I love you:

What can I say about this remarkable woman? She was a wonderful wife to my father Denis for 38 years, an amazing mother to myself and my brother, a great sister to 6 siblings and most of all a trusting friend to a lot of people. My mother was loved by so many and loved so many in return. She had many friends and family was always so important to her. It makes me smile to look around this room and see all the love and support in each of your eyes. Mom was so honest, trustworthy and such an all around great person.

She turned 58 years old on December 6th and was the last born to John and Laurette Drain. Mom was the baby sister of, Dolly, Betty, Hugh, John, Jim, and Joan. She was an honorable member of the Seven Sexy Sweethearts club, along with the other six members, Helene, Joan, Patricia, Elsie, Mary, and Sharon. These women are the best of friends and have been amazing support for my mom and my family for as long as I can remember but most of all over the last two years. We love you all and appreciate everything that you have done from the bottom of our hearts. Mom may have left us here but don’t worry about her because she is at peace in heaven with both her parents, her brother Hugh, and her nephew Brian who left us only a month ago after his own battle with Cancer.

We are all sad to say goodbye but it is not Goodbye but rather see you soon. I will always remember how hard mom fought this awful disease but of course she did not do it alone because like Steve always said we would, we got through it together. She was not going down without a fight. When she did decide to start her new journey, she was at peace and in absolutely no pain. Mom had so much courage and strength and it is this Courage and Strength that she has left to help all of us at this time.

Mom, I have always admired you and been proud to be your daughter. . Two years ago, God lead us down a very bumpy road and there was no smooth path in sight, but then things changed. The treatments began and were working, I got engaged to this amazing man who for about the first three years called you Mrs. Munro. He just could not bring himself to call you Blanche so you sure got him back, right Mr. Jenkins? And we were blessed with another wonderful two years together as a family. My friends always said how lucky I was to have such a cool mom who was just like one of the girls. I have heard more than once from friends things like “Blanche was the only mom that always treated me as an adult even when we were only teenagers” or “Your mom was always like my second mom”. I always knew that there was something special about you and since you got sick, I have spoken to so many and apparently it was no secret because they all knew it as well. I remember one outing that I will always hold close to my heart that happened in April 2004, just before you got sick. You, Dad, Steve, and I went to Game six of the NHL playoffs to see The Toronto Maple Leafs and The Ottawa Senators play at the Corel Centre. Which of course the Senators WON!!! We had standing room only tickets. We were all dressed up in our Sens gear. The weather was so sunny and bright. We were just so happy that it is hard to believe that only three years later we are here, I just wish that I could wake up. It feels so surreal.

We have so many good memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life. I do have one regret and that is that I did not make you a grandmother. I know that things happen for a reason so I will not lose too much sleep over it because I know when it does happen, you will be watching over me and making sure that I do everything right. I am positive that I will succeed because I learned all that I know from an excellent teacher. I love you with all my heart and I hope that you will always remember this. I hope that I made you proud and that I was able to make some of your dreams come true through my love. Don’t worry about me, I am strong and will be ok. I know in my heart that you will guide me to do the right thing like you have always done. I could only wish and pray that I turn into half the woman you always were. Mom, I am everything that I am because you loved me!

Dear Mom...

Well hi mom, it has been over a month now since we have had a good conversation. Things that are out of our control are in the way for us to speak like we use to. I decided that even though we can't chat like before, I would still keep you up to date on what is going on with me and my life. There are a lot of things going on in my life right now and so want to talk to you. So sit back on the couch in your favorite spot and get ready for all the gossip!
Love you
Jenna