Things are really hard.

Hi Mom,

Well Tomorrow marks ten months since you took your new journey. It still does not feel real. I am sinking into the ground with depression. I hide it very well but I am so sad. I love being at home but do wish that I had more than just one child. I love that I am now so close to James but I do want others soon. I started doing some Mystery shopping which is fun. This month I am going to start selling Pampered Chef. I know, it is a little crazy but I want to do something out of the house at night so that I don't go crazy.

Kirk has been out for 3 months and I have not spoken to him. J and T told him I wanted nothing to do with him and I NEVER said that. I hear he is ok so that is good.

Steve and I are great. We are still trying for a baby. This is the biggest thing that is bugging me. Steve is wonderful but he is not a woman and well dad is cool but not that cool. We just never talked like that before and again he is not a woman. It is really hard to deal with this alone. I need so much strength. We are going to the clinic in 17 days so I will have to go for more tests and then we will see. I have some adoption information but I don't want to think of that as my only option. I think I might call Helene for a dinner date to talk about it.

So this year we are having Boxing Day at our place and Christmas. It is going to be busy but I can handle it. I am so going to Christmas it up here at the house, just like you liked it.

Please watch over me and give me strength to move forward with life.

I love you!

J